The Saga Of Two Tiki Men
by Cobalt Cat
Summary: An odd story thought up by my class, involves tiki people, Xanth, and exploding pineapples...R


THE SAGA OF TWO TIKI MEN  
  
I do not own any of the characters in this story, so don't sue me.  
  
This is the saga of two tiki men, or maybe they are women. No one really knows. Anyway this is a story about Josephine and Gregorian. Two people from the land of or island of Borra Borra Tiki. This was an island or culture that practices weird rituals. Their delicacy was hombus. This was roasted slug with an almond sauce. One day after worshipping Mr. Nuts, an albino squirrel, they set off to catch some food. Then a massive wave came. Now, you see this wave wasn't from the weather. It was from the leader, an ex-sumo wrestler weighing one ton who jumped into a small pool. This was a large lagoon that was small to him. This caused lots of slugs to be taken out to sea. This made them salty and not good to eat. Anyway, back to Josephine and Gregorian. They got wiped out by the huge tidal wave. Gregorian never learned to swim. He/she grabbed a hold of Josephine, but he/she pushed him down. They didn't know how long they held their breaths for. They just remember water, and water, and water, and water, and well you get the point. They washed up, covered with algae, and fish nibbling on their toes. They didn't know where they were, and they were confused.  
  
When they stood up they're all like "Duh" where are we? But we can't tell if that's their normal self or the accident. Now since Josephine and Gregorian are small brained they didn't realize that they were on a small, small, small island with one tree. They kept walking around the island like 100 times, because they thought it was a huge island. Since there was only one tree they decided to chop it down and use for fire wood. So now they have no tree on the island and then all of a sudden, Josephine runs and sticks his/her head in a hold. No one knows why. After all, it's Josephine we're talking about. Well, Gregorian is trying to pull Josephine out then his/her head pops out and they go flying into the water. Well Gregorian starts to sink even though they're in like 4 ft. of water. Then another tidal wave comes and washes them out to sea again. They are sinking deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and never mind. Well, what do you know, they wash up on a very sandy beach where there is more than one tree, there are 3!. All around them there are a lot of people probably the tribe of the island and they are all women and they don't like smelly men. (I think they are guys at least).  
  
As the women starred at them they began to mutter in a strange tone. Gregorian stepped forward. The women glared and threw pineapples at them. As the pineapples landed they exploded. Gregorian freaked and yelled "Who are you, where is this, and why did those pineapples explode?" One of the women pushed her way forward and spoke. "You are on the Isle of Women.** I am Salmon Ella, they are also the women, and pineapples are supposed to explode as we are in Xanth."** Josephine blinked. "What is this Xanth he/she asked?" Salmon Ella starred him contemptuously, then muttered almost to him/herself, "Hmm, mundanes,** I wonder how they got here?" Josephine and Gregorian looked at each other wondering what she meant when she said "come we will give you transportation to land." They followed Salmon Ella around the island until they came to a dock. There was a small boat there. Salmon Ella directed them into the boat, then told the boat to go to Xanth. The boat set off all on its own. When they looked forward there was nothing but water, when they looked back the island was gone. They looked forward and suddenly saw land. When the boat reached land it dumped them and left. They got up from where they had landed and walked toward the trees. After they decided to walk for a while, they came upon someone with a long metal barrel that went "BANG" The man introduced himself as Broc Coly and that he was shooting targets with slugs.  
  
The people of the island called Josephine and Gregorian, Joe and Greg (for short). Joe and Greg were freaked out, so luckily Joe and Greg sneaked some exploding pineapples from the weird foreign women. The two of them bombed the island and jumped back in the ocean. Joe used Greg to float, but Greg started to sink. After a few weeks, Joe and Greg washed up on the island they started out on. Once again, Joe and Greg were deserted. Greg swallowed too much water and had fainted. After a few days of no food, warmth, or shelter Joe and Greg became very hungry. They've made spears to hunt animals, but after circling the island many times, they didn't find any animals, not even fruit. One day, Joe found a cave but it was too dark to go into and Greg was too scared to go in anyway. Later, while sitting under a palm tree, Greg heard a giant BOOoommm!!! Greg went to go tell Joe, but ran into a man lying on the shore. The man asked where he was, and Gred said that he was on a deserted island. Greg walked him into the shade and then asked, "who are you?" The man replied, "I'm a pilot named Gunnar Berg. I was flying my plane but out of nowhere a flying pineapple hit my plane." A few minutes later, Joe came back from whatever he was doing. Greg told Joe about the strange new man. Later, as Gunnar was checking out the island, he sent into the cave and never came back! After a few weeks of more starvation, a large crow with red eyes landed right in front of Joe. Since Joe and Greg were starving, Greg picked up his spear and approached it. That made the crow mad and the crow attacked Greg's face. Greg was blinded and Joe was still starving, so.... Joe decided to use Greg as living bait for the piranhas. Maybe that way I could finally get some food, Joe thought.  
  
Joe then tied Greg to drift wood. Gunnar then came running out of the cave and stopped Joe. Gunnar luckily had a doctor's degree and healed Greg. Then Gunnar said "there is a frozen mammoth and food stored in the save". "What" said Joe. "Yah, so come on, I even found a torch." "You did said Greg." They ran into the cave and Joe kept saying, "Are we there yet, how about now." "No we go straight all the way." Finally, they made it to the mammoth. Joe ran to the mammoth, but it was frozen. "What should we do?" There's torches, bring them here" Gunnar said. They got the torches and lit them and held them close to the animal. He pulled out his knife and cut the leg off. "Now that's food" Joe said. " Let's make a map so we can find our back."  
  
After finishing the meat they went back to the beach. Joe finally said "What are we going to do?" Greg started to cry "Boo hoo hoo". "Stop being a baby" says Gunnar. Joe yells "Be quiet and let me think!" They were silent for three hours. Joe says "I got it, we will make a raft and paddle back to shore using Greg as oar". "That is a great idea" says Gunnar. "Okay, let's get going." And so they started. Joe cut down the trees, every single one. Greg practiced being an oar. Gunnar, well just sat down and fell asleep. When they finished the raft (using only four trees of the millions they cut down), they decided to go down to the beach to say farewell to the beach that had become their home. When they got to the beach, they found two women fast asleep. As they got close, the women started to wake up. When they saw the boys/girls they were surprised. The one closest to Joe said "I am Juanita and this is my sister Emilia." We were shipwrecked and we swam to this island looking for help and here you are. "You saved us!" Joe blushed, "Aww, it was nothing." Gunnar sighed, "Now we have to build a bigger raft." Greg was furious. " We can't take them with us, they are GIRLS!" Juanita was also furious. "You don't want us to go with you because we're girls?" Oh! I'm so mad I could punch you in the nose! "In fact I will."  
  
Juanita punched him in the nose and he fell to the floor. (Shore). He was bleeding from the nose and vomiting, but he was unconscious. Juanita stood there in shock, while the rest of the troops kneeled and tried to help him. "Let me get my First Aid Kit in the plane." Gunnar said While he got the kit, Juanita took an exploding pineapple and threw it above her. The troops heard a KABOOMM !! , and looked toward the noise. There they saw Juanita in little pieces. They thought "food." Then they heard another KABOOMM !!, they looked toward the noise again , and saw Greg in little pieces. They thought "food" again. They were all starving, and since there was pineapple flavored meat in front of their faces, they decided to eat them. So there they all were in front of a fire with meat and pineapple juice when all of a sudden, they saw this big light in the sky. They looked closer and saw a shadow appear in the distance. It was round and had many different shapes. As it came closer, it seemed to be millions of different types of food or was it?  
  
What they saw wasn't food, but in fact a giant asteroid heading right towards the island! Gunnar grabbed Joe and Emelia and jumped into his plane. Once they got in, Gunnar tried to start up the plane, but couldn't. Emelia, who had gone unconscious, was wearing some sharp jewelry. Gunnar and Joe saw this jewelry, and ripped it off poor Emelia's neck and ears. Joe squealed with joy as he thrust one of the earings into his mouth. Joe bit down hard and screamed as it chipped most of his teeth. "You idiot", Gunnar said. "These aren't for eating," he said. "They're for driving!" The asteroid was now coming straight at them at faster than 100 m.p.h. Emelia, who was now awake started screaming. Gunnar thrust the necklace stone into the keyhole, and pulled back the joystick. The plane started! Joe screamed, he had never been in a plane before. The plane started going up!. Joe and Emelia grabbed each other and started sobbing, partly because the asteroid was heading straight towards them. Even Gunnar got caught p in the moment and started sobbing hysterically. Gunnar let go of the steering wheel/thing temporarily, until he came to his senses. Then, the plane was silent for a while, as they soared into the black mist.  
  
There they drifted for three days and three nights. After that time, they landed on a strange and long forgotten land. They walked south for three hours. They finally reached a road that appeared to lead to a place of no importance but they followed it anyway. It didn't take them long to reach to the forest. There they saw a peaceful village which seemed to have no crime. They walked around the village and saw many people starring at them. They walked into a shop. The shopkeeper did not look or speak to them, so they left without speaking to anybody. They came across a tunnel, went through it and found a boy entering a tree. They followed the boy to ask where they were. By the time they found him, he had stepped onto a light and disappeared. They decided to give up, and exit the tree. They found the boy outside of the tree resting. They woke him and he got up as fast as he could. The boy cocked his shield and sword ready for battle. They said "wait, we just want to know where we are" The boy stood down and said to them. "I am Eink and you are in Hyroul. They left the forest and followed him into a place called Hyroul Castle.  
  
Then they met John and Mike, people of the forest. Then Gunnar opened up his big mouth and made fun of them. They threw him in the sea and he eventually washed up on the magical women Island. You don't want to know what happens to him. So Joe didn't say anything. Well now Josephine, I will give you two companions, John and Mike. Now you will leave this island and go find you home. I will lend you a war Galleon. Use the weapons to protect yourself. Do not be stupid Josephine, the gunpowder in the cannons are very dangerous. "OK" said Joe. So sixty minutes later, they were sailing away from the land of Hyroul. They had tons of food, but were so hungry they ate it in three days. Well.. Joe ate it in three days. They were starving, they had run of out food a week ago. They had been surviving on salt water and some fish. Then it happened!. It was 10:00 at night and some pirates saw the lights on their ship and attacked them. Joe go work the cannons! John and mike yelled. OK, Joe said. Joe went down and lit a match. There was gunpowder all over the floor. BOOOooom! A cannonball hit the ship and Joe dropped the match. BOOM!. He blew a hole in the side of the ship and died. The ship started sinking. " Jump" yelled John. They jumped and watched their ship sink. Stupid Josephine they said. Then all of a sudden they were lifted out of the water. They were caught up in a net. They were lifted up on the ship deck. "Oh no" John and Mike gasped, it's Cameron Weber the meanest pirate in the world. He had tatooes all over his body, was only 6 ft. and wore a red shirt and black pants, both were baggy and ripped up. All his teeth were gold and he had a goatee and a mustache. His hair looked like it hadn't been cut or combed in decades. " Ha Ha Ha, I caught some little fishies." "Huh" where am I? Said Joe. I'm alive!. Joe was alive but he/she looked horrible. He had lost his right leg and his right hand. He was on an island with one tree and an old rusty sword that was washed upon the beach. I'd better fix myself up Joe said, and rubbed some sticks together to make a fire. He then melted the sword and molded a new one so that he could attach it to his hand. While it was cooling, he took a nap. Hen he woke up it was cool and he put it on. Then he took a stick about as round as his leg and made a wooden leg. Then he made a canoe out of the tree trunk and made a roof out of the branches and leaves. Ha! Ha! Time to leave this island and help my friends!. He then sailed off into the setting sun.  
  
As the sun went down and stars came up, Joe noticed that the water seemed endless. Where was he going anyway? Was it dangerous? Did he have enough food? Food! That's what triggered it. Realizing that he obviously didn't have enough, fired it. "No food! What will I do?" Joe wondered. He then lay down on one end of his canoe and wrapped his arms around his legs. After a few days, he stupidly stood up with a potato in his hand. Where he got it is a mystery. "As God is my witness" he proclaimed, "I will no longer be known as Joe! Now I am returning to the name Josephine!" As the now Josephine said this, he/she tried to squish the potato with his/her hand. It didn't get a dent. "What? C'mon! Mr. Potato! You're 'sposed to squish!" Josephine told the potato. "C'mon! you're my last potato! DIE! DIE! DIE! Josephine took an oar and hit the potato numerous times. Finally, he/she "killed" the potato. "Ahh.. I feel better, now " He/she then scooped up the remains of Mr. Potato, looked at it in disgust, and threw it overboard. Then, out of nowhere, a U.F.O. landed on the water. (They had flotation devices on the ship.) Josephine starred at it, wondering why he/she just killed Mr. Potato. A bridge like object ejected out of the ship, leading the way for two distinctly familiar beings. "We are the Goosedoffs," one said. "I am Cara, and this is my fellow Goosed off, Katie," Cara said. "Any questions?" "Do you have a Mr. Potato?" Josephine asked. "Quiet, Earth Thingie!" Katie ordered. "Do you know our national anthem?" Cara asked. "Yes! Can we sing it? PLEASE? Josephine pleaded. The Goosedoffs agreed and sang: Oh, say can you stay, by the Gooses own bill . As they sang, a flag picturing an orange monkey came up through the roof and Cara and Katie led Josephine on board. "Was I supposed to do something for a certain two people?" He/she asked Katie. "No" she replied. The bridge like object flashed up into the UFO. The three of them and a newly found Mr. Potato lifted off and went into space...  
  
Note: I am NOT trying to discriminate Joe. I'm just going a little loosely by the original plot.*  
  
While they were flying off into space, they noticed a pink light. This  
unordinary pink light kept coming closer and closer and closer. Then  
they were able to notice that the pink light was a huge pink space ship,  
so they stopped the pink space ship to see who and what was inside. When  
the pink ridge door opened, they noticed a person waling out, it was  
princess Emily, the princess of all galaxy. She asked them "who are  
you". They answered Katie, Car, and Joe. Well Emily was very interested  
in the human culture even though it was the same as her life. She was  
also interested in how humans look, even though she looked exactly like  
humans. So Emily started to talk to Katie, Cara and Joe. Well Joe being  
as small-minded as he was made fun of the color pink, which was the  
princess's favorite color, so she blew him up with a pink laser. Katie  
and Cara were now worried they might be zapped with the laser too.  
  
And they were about to be, as Princess Emily picked up her pink laser,  
her cell phone rang. It rang to the tune "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie  
wor-ld." "Uhh," she growled, as she answered the cell phone. What she  
heard next made her gasp. "Can you hear me now?" It was Emelia, one of  
the women who had been shipwrecked on the island with Josephine,  
Gregorian and Gunnar. Princess Emily was so angry someone had asked her  
such a stupid question, but she politely answered, "Yes" "Good, because I  
know what you did last summer!" "What!!! "Oops! I think I have the  
wrong number!" This made Princess Emily very angry so she gave Cara and  
Katie a dirty look and zapped them with her pink laser. This made her  
happy for two different reasons. One, the most important, was that every  
time she used the laser, she got a discount on Barbies at the toy store.  
The second reason was that the laser had killed Katie and Cara. But what  
she didn't know was that they were about to come back to life because of  
their stupidity. You see, the laser zapped Cara and Katie into the dark  
tunnel of death. At the end of the tunnel, was a beautiful white, bright  
light. Cara and Katie could hear the beautiful, musical sound of harps  
and soft pianos and a soft angelic voice saying, "Come towards the  
light." "It's so beautiful!" Katie said dreamingly. "Yeah", Cara said.  
"Let's go to the light." "Nah, it's too far," Katie said. So they  
turned around and returned back into their bodies.  
  
When Katie and Cara went back into their bodies, they said "Hey, maybe  
we could use this laser and use to conquer lands and continents." "O.K"  
Cara said "but I get the laster." Katie said no and started fighting  
over the laser. Then finally Katie pinched and twisted Cara's ear off.  
Katie said "I get the laser." Cara, half deaf, said "What?" "Never mind  
" Katie said. Well anyway they turned the spaceship around and headed  
back to Earth. Sadly enough they ended up landing on the magical women  
Island. The one where Gunner got washed ashore on. Anyway, they didn't  
get far invading the island until Gunnar, the magical women islands  
chief, showed up and killed them with a machine gun. Gunnar and two of  
his women assistants explored the space ship and found Joe's body lying  
there motionless. Gunnar remembered a ritual on how to bring someone  
back to life. "Assistants, go and find a pig's head. I'm going to do a  
ritual. They came back with a pig's head and Gunnar muttered something  
in Hylian language. Then all of a sudden Joe got up and opened his eyes.  
"What happened to you?" Gunnar said. Joe said "It's a long story."  
Joe told the story. When he got done Gunnar asked if John and Mike were  
alright. Joe said "I don't know." So later, Gunnar and Joe left the  
island to go rescue John and Mike from the evil Cameron Weber.  
  
So when Gunnar and Joe left to rescue Mike and John, it was too late.  
The evil Cameron already had them held hostage inside his evil tiki hut.  
So as Gunnar went to fight Cameron, Joe was left behind on the island.  
He ended up finding Cara and Katie. He decided to go up and see if they  
were sleeping or really dead. He figured out that they were dead. He  
was shocked and frightened. He ran to go find Gunnar but he couldn't  
find him, but then all of a sudden he heard talking. Then he heard an  
evil chuckle "hee hoo he"". He ended up running into a little hut on the  
side. There was a window. He looked inside and saw Gunnar talking to a  
strange looking guy he has never seen before. So Joe knocks on the  
window and gets their attention and Cameron ends up letting him in. Joe  
says hey Gunnar I.I fou..n.d two ladies lying dead over on the sand.  
Gunnar says "ya ya I know, I killed them". As Joe looks at him with  
fright in his eyes. Gunnar then asks Cameron "Where his friends Mike and  
John are. Cameron replies "well if you want them back, you have to do  
something for me." Gunn says "Sure anything!" Ook, OK Cameron says "I  
want you to search for some lost treasure under the sand. I will give  
you a map and you have to find it within a day!" So Gunnar and Joe get  
the map and start digging. Three hours passed and they are no where  
close to finding the treasure. On a boat, they saw a girl. They went  
over and it was Emily and they introduced themselves and asked her "Do  
you know anything about treasure on this Island?" Emily replied "Yes I  
have heard about it." So she helped them dig after they told her why  
they were looking for it. Emily ended up finding her pink laser washed  
ashore and thought a minute. She began to realize if she kills/zaps Joe,  
and Gunnar, she can take the treasure and go. So she carefully sneaked  
behind them and zapped them and they fell to the ground and died. Soon  
after that, the evil Cameron came out and asked who she was. Emily  
introduces herself and asked if she could help look for treasure.  
Cameron said "yes". So Emily looked and looked. She didn't find any.  
And then one day, when Cameron left his tiki hut she went inside and  
found out there was no treasure, that Cameron really wanted to kill  
everyone with a bomb exploding. So Emily found Mike and John both stuck  
in a tiny cupboard. She helped them out and they set up a bomb in  
Cameron's office. When Cameron got back, he sat in his evil chair and  
all of a sudden he blew into pieces. And Emily, Mike and John all got on  
the boat and headed for a new island.  
  
I. Of W. - A magic island where women who want to marry princes or kings live. ** Xanth - A peninsula the shape of Florida, it's magic because of Demon Xanth who is both Omniscient and Omnipotent. *** Mundane - People from non-magical places (where we are, is an example). 


End file.
